Darker Side of Me
by Loopstagirl
Summary: Merlin has to admit to Gaius all that he did and said in order to make sure that his destiny remained safe. But he knew it was going to be one of the hardest conversations they had ever had. Spoilers for 5x05


**Disclaimer: I own nothing, all rights belong to their respective owners.**

**Yay, I caught back up, I've had a good day! Enjoy!**

Merlin had no idea what was happening to him as he slowly made his way back to his shared chambers with Gaius. Why was it that seeing a young man alive and well when they had been dying filled him with such dread? Was it because it was Mordred, because he knew what the boy was destined to do? Or was it because what he had sacrificed, what he had been forced to say to Arthur in order to make sure the king had a chance of survival? He knew that he had given up any chance of future forgiveness when Arthur eventually found out. Merlin knew now that there was no question of if, it was just a matter of when. Every time he opened his mouth these days, he was just digging himself a deeper hole.

Pushing up the door, Merlin initially thought that no one was there, and found that he was breathing a sigh of relief as he sat down on a stool, running a hand through his hair and closing his eyes momentarily in exhaustion. He had barely slept the last few nights, the weight of his destiny plaguing his mind in a way it had never done before. He had been forced to kill people in order to protect Arthur before, and he had barely even hesitated in doing so. But why was it simply not acting, doing nothing in order to ensure that someone could not be saved was so much harder? If Arthur hadn't taken Mordred under his wing, become so damn fond of him, this whole mess would be a lot easier.

"I assume you did the right thing then?" Gaius' voice came out of nowhere and Merlin jumped. There would have been a time when that action would have sent him crashing down to the floor off the stool and therefore relieving some of the tension between guardian and ward. But this time, Merlin just looked up, his eyes as heavy as his heart. Gaius was looking at him shrewdly, almost as if he wasn't sure who was looking back at him anymore. Merlin knew that he had unnerved the old man by his previous words and actions, how he was admitting how much he was changing in order to protect Arthur. He could see it, Gaius could see it, and yet Arthur still had no idea.

Not knowing what to say, Merlin shook his head. He couldn't face Gaius as he said this, so found that his eyes were falling shut.

"I told him that there would never be a place in Camelot for magic. That he shouldn't accept their offer of learning the old ways. Mordred couldn't be allowed to live, Gaius, I can't let him kill Arthur. But it seems that destiny isn't done with me yet. Not only have I sealed my own fate and made sure that Arthur doesn't accept magic, he lives. He's still alive!" Groaning out loud in frustration, Merlin allowed his magic to seep from him a little, collapsing a shelf that had been previously piled with books. Gaius didn't say anything, seeming to know that a scolding was not needed right now. Instead, he came and sat down next to his ward.

"You only ever try and do what you think is right, Merlin. For Arthur, for the kingdom…"

"This isn't the first time I've deliberately gone against my nature in order to try and stop Mordred. I would have let him be caught, executed even when he was nothing more than a child. And now I would condemn him to death, and I would do so again in an instant."

"Merlin…"

"He's destroying _me_, Gaius. Never mind Arthur, he's going to kill me first. I know I told you that I had grown up, but I don't like who I seem to be growing into. What else would I do in order to keep Arthur alive? It's not my magic that scares me these days, it's my heart, the decisions I would be prepared to make."

"Merlin, that is enough. You listen to me now, my boy." Gaius leant forward, placing a hand on Merlin's shoulder and forcing the anguished warlock to look up at him. He had been dreading this day for some time now. He knew that it would not be the magic that caused Merlin to start doubting himself, but the same thing that haunted any man when they reached this sort of age. The burden of what they would have to do to make the hard choices that life demanded of them. Just like the other side of his coin, Merlin's choices were more than was expected of most men.

"I can't do this, Gaius, I don't want to be…"

"Merlin. You will hear me and you will listen to me well, understand?" Waiting until he knew that Merlin wouldn't speak again, Gaius allowed his features to soften.

"We all do things we regret. We all believe that we are doing the right thing. Even Morgana, no matter how twisted she has become, believes that she is doing the right thing. But listen to me, Merlin, you _are_ doing the right thing. You believe that Mordred will kill Arthur. The boy tried to save the king, that would have been a noble way for him to go and he would be remembered with honour. In a way, you tried to protect him."

"I didn't, I only thought of Arthur…"

"And how much it would hurt him to see Mordred die. Yet you knew that it would hurt him more if events were to unfold as you believe they will. Mordred wouldn't just kill Arthur by driving a sword through him, he would kill him by yet another person that our King cared about betraying him. You weren't protecting Arthur physically, Merlin, you were trying to protect his heart. There is nothing more noble than that."

"I'm scared, Gaius." How quietly Merlin's voice came out told the physician that it was not of Mordred that Merlin was afraid of or even what had just taken place. It was something deeper, something internal that was causing the haunted look in Merlin's eye.

"Of?"

"Of who I am becoming. I know what you just said, I'm not dismissing that. But who else will I condemn to death if I believe that it is protecting Arthur? What is to stop me being like…" Merlin's voice trailed off and Gaius could see him swallowing hard, clearly not wanting to say what was on his mind. But the physician knew better than most that unless Merlin said what was on his mind, it was only going to get worse.

"Who? Like who, Merlin?"

"Uther."

Out of all the names that Gaius was waiting for, that was not it. He had half expected his ward to confess to being scared of ending up like Morgana, and the old man had a lecture already on his tongue to convince Merlin otherwise. But that name caused him to stop, blinking as his mouth snapped shut. For a moment, he could only stare.

"Why on earth would you say that, you foolish boy?"

"I was prepared to let him die for something that he might do, Gaius! Something that he hasn't yet done, something that he possibly even has no intention of doing yet. How is that any different to all the people Uther condemned because of what they might potentially do?"

"Love." Gaius said simply, waiting for Merlin's eyes to focus on him. As the warlock frowned in confusion, Gaius took that as his moment. He leant forward, letting his hand rest of Merlin's clenched ones.

"Uther only ever acted out of fear. Hatred born from fear, but fear all the same. You only ever act when you think you are doing the right thing. Out of love, out of the desire to protect your friends. You want Arthur safe, why?"

"Because he is destined to…"

"Wrong. Why do you want Arthur safe? Why have you not just pulled a dagger on Mordred? Or even stopped his heart with magic, you know I wouldn't turn you in."

"I…"

"Because you care, Merlin. You want Arthur safe because he is your friend, no more, no less. You would have let Mordred die, but that was because fate gave you that chance. You will watch and wait for the chance, but even you can't bring yourself to just kill him."

Merlin stared at the physician for a long moment before tears suddenly filled his eyes and he nodded. Gaius withdrew, letting the young man have a moment to think about what had just been said. He knew that he was going to have to keep a close eye on Merlin in the next few weeks, especially where Mordred was concerned. This was hitting him hard, but Gaius knew that, regardless of what had just happened, Merlin wouldn't lose himself to these doubts. Unlike Uther, the warlock had too many people caring for him in order to let him drift away.

"Gaius? Come and take a walk with me?" The soft hope, something that had been missing from Merlin's voice for far too long, made Gaius smile as he nodded. The pair set off down a corridor, eventually stopping by a wide window and watching the knights train down below. This time, when Merlin started speaking again how it was Arthur's punishment that Mordred was alive and that it was still all Merlin's fault, Gaius let him do so.

Whilst Merlin could do that, he didn't need to worry. But it was when Merlin still felt guilty, and wouldn't voice it to anyone that he had a need for concern. Uther had never let anyone in, he had never confided in anyone, and that was where his fear had turned to hatred. Gaius was never going to let that happen to Merlin.

Considering that he already had had Arthur stop him in the corridor and request that he kept an eye on his servant as Merlin had been acting "_stranger than usual, the idiot_," Gaius had to smile even as Merlin sighed next to him.

He was not the only one that was going to refusing to let Merlin slip down a path that he wouldn't be able to find the way back from.


End file.
